saturday night's alright for chavving

Female ones in packs with pushchairs, hoodies and bare midriffs, on their way to the disco.



Male one practising his dance moves - in the road!



To the budget boozer for cheap pop and nuts.



Then hot-wire a limo and hit the town ...

chav tableaux

If you haven't taken up chavspotting yet perhaps these two little shots can explain the real wonder of this activity. These fine specimens were parading at Brean on Sunday. Study them closely. Notice the compulsory 'fag', chav slang for cigarette, something rarely seen outside of a museum or prison these days. Notice the 'male' chav has one stuck behind his ear. Chavs have not yet worked out pockets, and ears are handy things for sticking stuff behind. Notice the large stomach on the 'female' one. This is obtained from a diet of Haribo, faggots and chips washed down with blue Slush Puppies. The 'female' one is about to top up her stomach in these shots, in between puffs on her 'fag'.

We can only imagine what sort of children this pair will produce, if they can work out how to do it.

chavs on parade

Some wondrous offerings at Brean over the weekend. Chavspotters' heaven!!

brean delights

Some of the delightful offerings at Brean Sands over the weekend - from Chinese lingerie, through souvenir Brean Chinese lighters, Chinese furry dice and a whole display stand of Chinese pink things. Is it any wonder most of the chavs never make it to the beach?

chavs away ...

Yay - we're off to Pontins, not using Sun vouchers but because we got a special offer as loyal customers. If only they knew we went there solely as Chav Spotters!

We were there last August bank holiday and were in ecstacy as an endless parade of chavs smoking and clutching their Suns paraded past in little more than string vests, baggy shorts and sandals with socks. Such a contrast to our more usual naturist places, or posh hotels (where of course we go Prefect Spotting).

The above were my best 'bag', a whole family of chavs with their pop bottles, baseball caps and excess stones ... and don't you just swoon at the matching camo baseball cap and strides?

yes!

What more can I say? We've made it - a fruit machine dedicated to England's most enduring culture. Can you imagine a fruit machine called 'Prefect it!'?

the chavs' lambrini

Whilst the prefects spend their evenings at posh dinner parties enjoying sparkling conversation and vintage Lambrini, down in Chavdom we quaff the magnificent blue pop and chat about pit bulls.

Blue Pop is an almost perfect food, being packed with vitamins, protein and health-giving Omega 8. If you buy it by the case it works out cheaper, and in the upcoming war between chavs and prefects I reckon it'll be what gives us the edge.

america's next top model ...

Trainspotting is a healthy and useful interest, but these days I spend more time Chavspotting (or Prefectspotting).

We took up a position on Littlehampton seafront yesterday in search of chavs, within three minutes this magnificent specimen turned up, and unknowingly posed for my camera!

Just study it closely, the hand grasping a polystyrene punnet of oven chips, the bleached hair with contrasting roots, the bulbous belly complete with septic belly-button piercing and, wonderously, a Sun duffle bag!! It just doesn't get any better than this.

recycling heaven

As the prefects have decided that we can all manage to fill just one bin every two weeks we had to take one Land Rover's load of rubbish (a week's worth!) to Bristol's lovely dump. Not sure who decided it should be in the middle of Bristol rather than the outskirts but I suspect it was some chinless socialist prefect.

Now the dump itself is lovely and well organised, and recycling always gives a warm glow, but how on earth is residents using thousands of cars (and very scarce petrol) somehow more ecologically sound than having a few lorries do the extra collection each week? It took us about an hour to drive the four miles back the traffic was so appalling. And much of it along routes earmarked for Bristol's superb Supertram which is STILL postponed!!

So unless the prefects want the chavs dropping their litter on the prefects' gravel drives they better start looking at two options - restoring weekly collections and GET THAT FUCKING TRAMWAY BUILT!!

reflections

This would be an ideal picture for a caption competition. This is some sort of monk spotted in a footie club who appears either to have died or entered a semi-trance state. Note smoker behind!!

taking the bus to town

Sometimes a group of chavs just can't manage to steal a car in time and have to resort to using the bus. This small group are waiting for the 75 into town where they'll hit TK Maxx and MacDonalds before coming back again to watch Bid Up on the telly.

entertainment

In Hartcliffe the ultimate symbol of chav success is the trampoline. These sprung up in every garden a few years ago and from the air are reminiscent of the approach to Geneva airport with trampos instead of pools.

Pic shows four chavs exhausted after jumping up and down a couple of times.